Yona T. Sperling-Milner

Today, though, I emerge from my long hibernation to run damage control on the admissions data that you all have been so eagerly awaiting.

Not a lot of people know this about us, but we have really strong main character energy, and when Sidechat isn’t all about us we start to feel a little empty inside.

Hi! Any idea where the bathroom is? It’s going to take me at least 20 minutes to unzip this thing and pee.

Harvard is in sore need of some administrative shakeup. It’s time for Harvard to take a page out of the great Vice President-elect JD Vance’s playbook: If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

Luigi Mangione has proved, irrefutably and gorgeously, that there is no excuse for becoming reconciled to a world of deductibles, debt, and fishies that got sucked into the filter.

The government can’t win over the hearts and minds of the youth through gradual institutional reform — their best strategy is to sharpen the contradictions until we cast off our false consciousness and unleash the productive forces of a new world order.

The world found out shortly before 3 a.m. Eastern time on March 28 that the Trump administration had decided to rescind all federal funding from Harvard University as well as claim by eminent domain the griffin statues on Robinson Hall as they “would look sick on the White House lawn.”

7:08 - We sold my office supplies (to economize) so I am sitting on the floor writing this on a banana peel with a toothpick. It will be legible later; I saw this on Facebook.

I propose an alternate strategy: I shall fight Secretary of Education Linda E. McMahon in a televised cage match, the winner of which gets $2.7 billion in federal grants and the power to uphold or destroy America’s continued technological and economic success. Secretary, I hope you brought your mouth guard.

If there is a silver lining in these estrogen-encrusted times, it is that the bros are on their way back, baby. Boy am I excited for the dawning era when he-men will once again run our institutions. I simply adore the way they do things.