newyorker.com
After your flight gets in at 11 P.M. on Wednesday night (you’re sure you can’t get an earlier flight?), we have to take you to the new taco place that opened in town. I know you live in L.A. and there are pretty good tacos there, but this new place next to the Nordstrom Rack (the good one where I got you that Fila jacket once, not the bad one with the smell) will knock your socks off. Dad loves their beans! I don’t remember what the restaurant is called, but I bet if we just drive in that genera…
6 months ago
newyorker.com
Including a tender little kiss, directly on my eyeball, at 5:30 A.M.
about 2 years ago
newyorker.com
Check in to the Marriott, log into the Zoom dance party, and get ready for the Rapid-Test Roast!
over 2 years ago
newyorker.com
The world was going to hell. I was having a baby.
almost 3 years ago
newyorker.com
We’re just going to have a small dinner. Me, your father, and Emily and Jeff from next door—we’re like a pod thing. So small and safe. Their son might be driving in from Michigan with his new girlfriend as well, but everyone has been strictly quarantining.
Really, I haven’t gone anywhere or seen anyone in weeks—months even! I only ducked out to the grocery store yesterday. Well, I had to go to four different grocery stores because no one seemed to have xanthan gum, which I need for the gluten-fr…
over 3 years ago
newyorker.com
Let me start by saying that I support the higher moral standard that we have decided to hold ourselves to. I really do. The original moral standard was torture, so I really support something somewhat above that. Something just a hair above a war crime is, technically speaking, a higher moral standard. Does that answer the question?
Oh, right, the runaway trolley. Well, as I am not a train operator, it would not be my legal responsibility to alter the path of the trolley. So, to be clear, it woul…
about 6 years ago
newyorker.com
Why is this night different from all other nights?
Why, on this night, do we go to the Segals’, when on all other nights we
cancel last-minute because we don’t really like them?
Why is it that, on all other nights, we dine while sitting in actual
chairs but on this night I’m sharing a piano bench with Josh?
Why doesn’t Twitter just delete the accounts of all the neo-Nazis?
Why do the Segals refuse to invest in some folding chairs, when we have
this same seating problem, on this night, every year…
about 6 years ago
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If he dares to fix your grammar, “Nazi! Nazi!” you can yammer. Should a person seem intense, he’s a Nazi, forever hence.
over 7 years ago
newyorker.com
2016: Declutter your home. Really get organized and start the year off right!
2017: Buy a new shower curtain. Stop wondering if there’s a difference between black mold and just very, very dark mold.
2016: Spend less time on Twitter.
2017: Spend less time on Twitter than Donald Trump does.
2016: Stop smoking.
2017: Start smoking pot. It’s legal in a lot of states now. Not yours yet, but shhh—you need this.
2016: Learn a foreign language.
2017: Delete the Duolingo app from your phone and hope that…
over 7 years ago
newyorker.com
“Welcome to Los Angeles”? In New York, we give newcomers incorrect directions to Times Square and criticize the way they spread their cream cheese.
over 7 years ago
newyorker.com
What to eat and drink while listening to your father-in-law talk about the Second Amendment.
almost 8 years ago
newyorker.com
After this morning’s terrible events at the flag factory, it seems only right to lower the flag to quarter-mast.
over 8 years ago
