Kathryn Kvas

They entered the elevator together. He swept his hair out of his eyes and gave her a nod that acknowledged that they were, indeed, in this elevator together. She nodded back, watching as his strong, masculine finger pushed the same lobby button she had just pushed, moments ago. Her lip quivered as she wondered why, oh why, did he do that? Why didn’t he just trust that she had adequately pushed it already? I mean, the button was lit up. As they approached the building’s exit together, her heart…

Where has your youth gone? How did the fickle sands of time slip through your fingers? And when did you stop using pencil sharpeners?

Honestly, it’s unbelievable that we live in the same city and we only see each other every this amount of time. It’s so sad that we don’t see each other more times! Remember when we used to live closer a bit of time ago and we’d see each other more times? That was fun, huh? But that was at a time when we could afford to live closer. It’s shocking to me that this city is changing as time passes! I wonder how Jenny and Christina are doing now that time has passed since we last saw them. I bet they…

Oh, the world is rife with irony, isn’t it? After three years of letting our telemarketing calls go straight to voice mail, of deleting our e-mails and unsubscribing from our mailing lists, of throwing out our understated yet informative direct mailers, and of never even bothering to click on our brightly colored banner ads, you’re begging us to give you a second chance. Just look how the tables have turned. We knew this day would come. We knew that if we waited patiently, eventually there would…

Posting on social media about how I just had a big breakthrough in therapy, and nobody likes the post for nine hours. Going on Facebook to check in with my Bitcoin-enthusiast group. Running while wearing a backpack. Accidentally saying, “I love you, Dad,” at the end of a conference call with my boss. Posting status updates on LinkedIn. Accidentally unplugging my headphones while listening to music at the office and everybody hears that I still listen to Creed. Initiating a group text with my fri…

There’s just one thing. There are no borders because the polar ice caps have melted and now we’re living in the 1995 film “Waterworld,” starring Kevin Costner. Crazy, right?! Sure, billions of people drowned and millions more were lost at sea. Not to mention that my fingers are always pruney—like, all the time—and I shudder at the thought of anyone else touching me with their disgusting pruney fingers, so I haven’t been intimate with someone in years. Also, my hair is permanently wet, even thoug…

Go Camping: There’s no better way to get spiders in your mouth while you’re asleep than on an outdoorsy adventure. Plus, your kids will be so tired from kayaking that they won’t even notice the fuzzy, eight-legged critters burrowing into their hair after nightfall. A win-win! Clean Out Your Closet: It’s literally impossible to get organized and ready for winter without breaking up a few happy arachnid families living in your closet drawers. But, not to worry, they’ll be back for revenge. Jump in…

She’s, like, “I’m selling a piece of my soul to a demon for more TikTok followers—don’t interrupt me!” And I’m, like, “O.K.?”

In the world of girl math, cash is not real money, buying on sale is a form of saving, and cosmetic procedures is an “investment in your future self.” —CBS News When I’m on vacation, whatever I buy is free! If I did something hard today, like firing fifty thousand people, I deserve a little treat, like a nice, juicy blood boy, and whatever I spend on it doesn’t count. If I get an interest-free loan, it’s free money. If I sleep in and skip breakfast, I can splurge on lunch, guilt-free. If I spen…

As Mr. Wonka’s elevator rose higher and higher into the sky, Charlie looked down and could see the factory getting farther away, and all the buildings growing smaller and smaller. Mr. Wonka turned to him and said, “Charlie, this factory, it’s yours. . . .” But, as he was talking, the elevator started to shake and made a scary beeping noise. Charlie’s grandfather grabbed Mr. Wonka and said, “We’re going down!” as the elevator began to drop, and all three of them indeed plummeted down, down, down…