Kathryn Kvas

In the world of girl math, cash is not real money, buying on sale is a form of saving, and cosmetic procedures is an “investment in your future self.” —CBS News When I’m on vacation, whatever I buy is free! If I did something hard today, like firing fifty thousand people, I deserve a little treat, like a nice, juicy blood boy, and whatever I spend on it doesn’t count. If I get an interest-free loan, it’s free money. If I sleep in and skip breakfast, I can splurge on lunch, guilt-free. If I spen…

She’s, like, “I’m selling a piece of my soul to a demon for more TikTok followers—don’t interrupt me!” And I’m, like, “O.K.?”

Go Camping: There’s no better way to get spiders in your mouth while you’re asleep than on an outdoorsy adventure. Plus, your kids will be so tired from kayaking that they won’t even notice the fuzzy, eight-legged critters burrowing into their hair after nightfall. A win-win! Clean Out Your Closet: It’s literally impossible to get organized and ready for winter without breaking up a few happy arachnid families living in your closet drawers. But, not to worry, they’ll be back for revenge. Jump in…

There’s just one thing. There are no borders because the polar ice caps have melted and now we’re living in the 1995 film “Waterworld,” starring Kevin Costner. Crazy, right?! Sure, billions of people drowned and millions more were lost at sea. Not to mention that my fingers are always pruney—like, all the time—and I shudder at the thought of anyone else touching me with their disgusting pruney fingers, so I haven’t been intimate with someone in years. Also, my hair is permanently wet, even thoug…

Getting rich quick in 2021 may seem difficult, but it’s actually incredibly easy if you follow these simple methods.

“How to cut partner’s hair without destroying marriage” “Can eating too much banana bread cause potassium hangover” “What is day” “How to train pug to talk so I can finally become TikTok famous” “What to sprinkle onto partner’s banana bread so that he’s more inclined to watch ‘Sex and the City’ marathon with me” “How to fake being on Zoom call” “Zoom backgrounds that are not the same as everyone else’s lame Zoom backgrounds” “How to cut partner’s hair without making it look like Mark Zuckerberg…

If it’s dipped in rose gold or is mid-century-looking, it’s probably cool.

Oh, the world is rife with irony, isn’t it? After three years of letting our telemarketing calls go straight to voice mail, of deleting our e-mails and unsubscribing from our mailing lists, of throwing out our understated yet informative direct mailers, and of never even bothering to click on our brightly colored banner ads, you’re begging us to give you a second chance. Just look how the tables have turned. We knew this day would come. We knew that if we waited patiently, eventually there would…

Honestly, it’s unbelievable that we live in the same city and we only see each other every this amount of time. It’s so sad that we don’t see each other more times! Remember when we used to live closer a bit of time ago and we’d see each other more times? That was fun, huh? But that was at a time when we could afford to live closer. It’s shocking to me that this city is changing as time passes! I wonder how Jenny and Christina are doing now that time has passed since we last saw them. I bet they…

Where has your youth gone? How did the fickle sands of time slip through your fingers? And when did you stop using pencil sharpeners?