Jordan David

TORONTO—In the face of criticism and financial repercussions for several recent controversial statements, including the demonetization of his YouTube page, clinical psychologist and media personality Jordan Peterson told reporters Monday that he took comfort in the knowledge that his fanbase is 95%…

AMAGANSETT, NY—Admitting they were experiencing major withdrawal, members of the Sackler family reportedly asked a friend Tuesday to provide them with the phone number of a hookup they could buy a pharmaceutical company from. “Gonna be honest, we’re kind of going through it right now and would appre…

TROMSØ, NORWAY—Assuring his family and himself that two years would be over before they knew it, tearful Norwegian teen Svein Eriksen reportedly bid goodbye to his parents Wednesday before leaving for his mandatory national service in a black-metal band. “I know I must serve my country by playing b…

CRAWFORD COUNTY, IN—Noting the stark differences between country and city life, rural resident Pat McCalahan confirmed Friday that he has to travel more than two miles from where he lives to hear his nearest neighbors having sex. “It’s not like in Chicago or New York where your neighbors are right o…

BOSTON—In an attempt to reduce the workload on students who are often overburdened by homework and extracurricular activities, Boston Public Schools announced Monday that it would be waiving its sex-education requirement for students who look like they know what’s up. “In our district’s high schools…

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a comprehensive analysis that confirms the stubborn persistence of racial bias within the U.S. housing market, a Harvard University study published Tuesday found that homes are appraised 40% lower on average when haunted by Black ghosts. “Realtors across the country confirm that pro…

SAVANNAH, GA—Having not yet committed to participate in any of three scheduled debates with incumbent Georgia Sen. Raphael Warnock, GOP challenger Herschel Walker was reportedly brushing up on theoretical physics and linguistics Friday in order to formulate the ideal conditions for a contest with hi…

BALTIMORE—Struggling to immerse herself in the new novel she had recently purchased, local reader Jasmine Morgan told reporters Monday she was going to give the book a few more chapters just in case the author got better at writing. “It’s pretty rough so far, but I’m going to be patient and see if h…

BRIDGEPORT, CT—Declaring that they had learned their lesson and should be allowed to try again, officials at the Bridgeport Zoo reportedly insisted Tuesday that if they could get a new gorilla they’d really take care of it this time. “Come on, please let us have a new gorilla—we’re really sorry, an…

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Depicting an incredibly unusual and surprising scene involving law enforcement, a shocking viral video shared Wednesday captured calm police officers handling a situation nonviolently. “This deeply troubling video recorded by a bystander clearly shows officers calmly giving a Black dr…