Elinor Jones

Hellooooo! Welcome back to The Trash Report. I’m the Flonase-filled body balloon formerly known as Elinor Jones. Did you all know that climate change is making our seasonal allergies worse? This is extremely unfair! I feel like there should be some sort of silver lining to the planet’s rapid descent into uninhabitability. Like okay, what if storms are more dangerous, but no more mosquitoes? Or hotter summers, but somehow the heat makes all of our...

Hi! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones. I recently had drinks with several former Mercury writers and was asked if I was embarrassed by anything I’ve written in my ~13 (😮) years at this rag. I answered honestly that I can barely bring myself to link back to things I wrote last week, let alone things I wrote in my 20s; self-reflection isn’t really my brand. Can you believe I said that?...

How do you do, fellow Trash Pandas? I’m really happy that we’re on the other side of the -ember and -uary months, which means it’s almost Spring, which means it’s almost Summer, and my birthday. There’s plenty of time to shop, is what I’m saying. I’m your best raccoon friend Elinor Jones and the following is my news and gossip column, The Trash Report. Come along! Women’s History Herstory Month In addition to it being...

Hello, Trash Pandas, and happy President’s Day! One might think that President’s Day is kind of a trash holiday, so in fitting with this column, I’ve done a little research about it for you (skip this part if you don’t care about history): President’s Day is officially called Washington’s Birthday, in honor of George Washington, who was the first president of the United States. (History buff over here!) The father of our country (a.k.a. Daddy...

Hello, friends! Hello, enemies! Hello, people about whom I feel indifferent! I hope you had a nice weekend that left you refreshed and ready to dig through the dumpsters with me, your pal (or enemy?) Elinor Jones in this here Trash Report. Monkey Business I mentioned this story last week in Good Afternoon, News, but would like to dive more deeply into it: Oregon Health and Sciences University’s primate research center was found to have...

Happy Christmas hangover day, my grimy Trash Pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones. I’m currently on vacation, but I knew I would have a horrible time sipping margaritas and getting a suntan knowing that all of you are starving for content, so I’ve put together this wonderful best-of-the-year column to tide…

Hello Trash Pandas, and welcome to another round of steaming hot goss in this here Trash Report. I’m writing it as my child is blasting Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You,” making me really question both why I let her use my phone, why I taught her how to use Spotify, and why I taught h…

Hello, sweet baby Trash Panda angels! It’s me, Elinor Jones, and this is my column, The Trash Report, which I’ve written from the inside of a gigantic mound of blankets. My hands are wearing several pairs of gloves so typing has taken a very long time. I hope it’s worth it! I think it will be. Where…

Helloooooooo, trash pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones, coming at you from the bottom of the dumpster. Happy Halloween! My costume this year is “woman who isn’t losing it.” Is it working? Let’s see! I’ve worked extra hard on this week’s column because things out there are bleak and I need it as much as y…

Hello Trash Pandas, and welcome back to another batch of trash from me, your friend Elinor Jones. Man, is anyone else just loving being able to breathe outside again?! What a treat! I’m very like, ahhhhhhh, taking big ol’ gulps like it’s almost closing time at the oxygen buffet. Like I’m going to have to bust out my old maternity pants because I’m going so hard on all this sweet, sweet air. The decadence. Air....

Hi everyone, and welcome to The Trash Report! So, a couple of weeks back I asked for suggestions on what to call readers of this here column, and I got some *chef’s kiss* suggestions. They include: Trash Pandas, Trash Bandits, Trashists, Dumpster Divers, and Garbage Pail Kids. I love all of my children equally and I can’t decide. So I won’t! You will: Loading… Now, onto the mess! Queen’s Still Dead Thousands of people have...

Ding dong, ya ding dongs! It’s me, Elinor Jones, here with a compilation of a bunch of crap I found on the internet and presented as this, The Trash Report. Hey, help me workshop a name for all of you who like to read this column. I was gonna be like, “hey trashfaces!” but that seems mean? Garbage g…

Hello, and welcome to another edition of The Trash Report! ’Tis I, Elinor Jones, here to tell you that some are born trash, some achieve trash, and others have trash injected straight into their eyeholes—which is my job today. Yeah, I can quote Shakespeare. I can also make my armpits fart. Your frie…

Air-rivederci discovered air guitar as a college student, when he elected to watch the 2006 documentary “Air Guitar Nation.” He hoped for an easy A, but found a whole new way of life. Now can he make it to US Nationals? The Mercury profiled the Portland up-and-shredder.

The lingering feeling that, in early 2020, you did or said something that jinxed all of us and caused the pandemic is pretty universal. For my family, it was our decision that my kid was old enough to take to cool places which led to the subsequent purchase of tickets for every cool thing scheduled…

Hello, and welcome to another week of garbage with me, Elinor Jones, your human raccoon with hot tips on all the stankiest dumpsters. Wanna go for a ride? Well, you’re going. Sports! Portland basketball twitter was briefly very excited when news broke that Nike kajillionaire Phil Knight had made an…

Comedian, writer, and filmmaker Niles Abston has a lot on his mind. He recently made a short film, Notice To Quit, he just got hired to write for a hit FX show, and now he’s returning to the Pacific Northwest to work on material for his second stand-up comedy special. In anticipation of Abston’s ret…

Monica Lewinsky visited Portland last week, but you may not have noticed it, due to the cresting wave of media hubbub surrounding President Biden’s short notice fly through. While Biden arrived at (and quickly departed) PDX on Thursday to give a speech about his sweeping $2 trillion infrastructure p…