Camden Brazile

President Joe Biden signed an executive order immediately dispatching 5,000 scrappy, Italian-American, mush-mouthed boxers to pose a metaphorical threat to the Russians who invaded Ukraine earlier this week.

This is getting ridiculous. When I attended my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, I thought it would be a cool bunch of people swapping stories about drunk driving and stealing from your loved ones. Just a whole bunch of McNulty’s talking rock bottom shit. But after eight meetings, nobody here is even remotely on my level. No wonder you all want to remain anonymous. If I was as boring as you all, I wouldn’t want notoriety either.

Media personality and podcast tycoon Joe Rogan tested positive for the coronavirus today, and urged his followers that, in lieu of flowers, they send videos of a tiger fighting a wolf.