Andrew Klavan

Eric Swalwell has ended his campaign for California governor and resigned from Congress, saying he wants to spend more time with his family, a drunken staffer, and the woman he has imprisoned in the oubliette in his basement. Swalwell made his decision after several women accused him of doing what everyone knew he was doing but no one said he was doing until it turned out his crappy gubernatorial campaign might get a Republican elected in California.Swalwell said the charges that he pestered, assaulted and even raped women were as untrue as the charges Swalwell himself leveled against Brett Kavanaugh, if you didn’t count all the women Swalwell pestered, assaulted and raped. In a statement Swalwell issued while simultaneously attempting to keep a straight face, the former congressman said: “I want to declare categorically that I never had non-consensual sex with a Chinese spy and when I did have sex with a Chinese spy, I not only had her consent but the consent of the entire Chinese Communist Party. Even t

Grinning hell-spawn and New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani has announced his new socialist plan to destroy first New York, then the country, then the world, by way of taking revenge on God for casting him out of heaven and hurling him into the bottomless pit of eternal flames, where he was immediately elected Mayor of New York.Mamdani’s new socialist plan of destruction was celebrated by his supporters with a tasteful human sacrifice, followed by an orgiastic dance around the golden statue of a goat, while Mamdani’s wife, Rama Duwaji, set a Jewish effigy on fire and called on the dark forces of the underworld to trod the nation of Israel and its people into dust. When Mr. Effigy complained to the mayor that he did not like being set on fire and, frankly, felt Rama Duwaji was being kind of antisemitic, Mr. Mamdani replied that his wife was a “private person,” and therefore could not be condemned for the bubbling blood-drenched froth that issued from her mouth when she went into ecstasies at the thought

Fashion’s most spectacular event returned. Anyone who is apparently someone gathered in Manhattan for the Met Gala.  And I know what you’re thinking: “Sorry, Klavan, what were you saying? I dozed off after the word spectacular. One moment, I was listening to you blather about fashion, then suddenly I was walking through a sky-blue emptiness decorated entirely with pictures of my mother, and mysterious voices were revealing all my secret sexual fantasies so that suddenly I started screaming, ‘Just a minute, this isn’t heaven, this is the other place!’ Then I woke up, and you were talking about celebrities or something. So what the hell is going on?”Alright, that may not be exactly what you were thinking. In fact, maybe that’s what I was thinking. Or maybe that was reality, and this is the nightmare, in which case, let’s get back to the Met Gala.Every year, rich people who seem to think highly of themselves for no discernible reason gather at the Metropolitan Museum of Art to desecrate its wo

Democrats are up in arms over a decision by the Virginia Supreme Court that overturns their attempt to gerrymander the commonwealth’s Republican voters to the brink of oblivion. Virginia is considered a purple state where Kamala Harris won against Donald Trump by only about six percent of the voters, many of whom simply thought having an idiot president with a lunatic cackle might be the funnier choice.But the gerrymander would have changed the commonwealth’s districts from a representative six blue versus five red, to an admittedly hilarious but totally unfair ten blue districts versus one red. The lone Republican district would be ringed in by high walls topped with barbed wire, while all voting booths would be located in the blue districts.The court ruled that the ballot measure allowing the change violated procedural rules laid out in the Virginia Constitution under its “Don’t be a Schmuck” clause, which requires laws to be written by people who are not schmucks or can at least pretend not to be

With midterm primaries in the news, the left-wing media has been focusing a lot of its attention on Republican candidates. For instance, the New York Times, a former newspaper, recently ran an article with the headline, “Bad Trump Ruins Everything,” in which columnist Nicholas Kristof speculated that the primary defeat of anti-Israel congressman Thomas Massie may have been due to an attack by Israeli rape dogs, imaginary animals whom Kristof claims have been trained to sexually assault antisemites. Kristof’s article was about to go on to examine the power of Trump’s endorsements, when he suddenly emitted a high-pitched scream, after which the article fell ominously silent.In another Times article, this one headlined, “Trump Bad, Everything Ruined,” the author speculated that Trump’s endorsement of Ken Paxton for Senate may turn deep red Texas into a blue state, if Republicans are unable to vote because they’re too busy laughing at this article. A third Times article, headlined, “Trump Tru

It now seems certain that the war in Iran is either coming to an end, or going on forever, or won, or lost, or a disaster or a major triumph.Despite the fog of war, it is becoming clear that either we’ve accomplished our goals or failed to and have made the situation better or worse and have a lot to look forward to or so much to fear that we should hide in the cornfields, hoping the aliens come back and take us someplace safe.One thing at least is obvious, and that is that the Iranian regime has been destroyed or strengthened, and that the oppressive anti-American thugs who have terrified the Middle East for so long have been wiped out or have completely defeated us and are now running the United States, or at least the Democrat party.Major news outlets that run the gamut from the Left to the far-Left to the so-far-Left that you just sit there thinking, “What the hell is wrong with these people?” are now reporting with complete assurance that the Trump administration is in serious negotiations either w

Sociologists and other complete wastes of space are working around the clock to try to determine why women are no longer having babies, aside from the fact that babies wake them up all the time and crap all over everything.The birthrate has been dropping everywhere except in sub-Saharan Africa and Israel. If present trends continue, scientists predict the world’s population will soon be reduced to nothing but black people and Jews, blissfully enjoying an earthly paradise, where every basketball player can find an accountant, although no one will know how to tie a Windsor knot.Some researchers feel that the so-called birth dearth is the result of the widespread use of online pornography. Columbia University sociologist Dr. Roland Fapmeister has been studying the effects of porn for the last seven years, ten, and eleven hours a day.In a report to the United Nations panel titled, “Why There Are So Many Damned Israelis All Over the Place,” Dr. Fapmeister said:There can be no doubt that many men have come to

Well, folks, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I always try to be honest with you and the truth is: something terrible has happened. Elon Musk has become a trillionaire, so now … everything is ruined.It seems like only a week ago, when Musk was just worth $900 billion and life was great in this country. I had a beautiful wife. A couple of wonderful kids. Now … I look at my family and, sure, I still love them and all, but not like I’d love a trillion dollars. I mean, that’s a lot of money! But I don’t have it and Elon Musk does, so … everything is ruined.It’s just like they said on the socialist website Left Voice — “A trillionaire Elon Musk is a morbid symptom of capitalism.” That’s right. Capitalism simply isn’t fair. After all, the Soviet Union had socialism for 70 years and ended up with nothing. Musk shows up in a capitalist country with $2,000 just 37 years ago, and now he’s a trillionaire so … everything is ruined.Alexandria Ocasio Cortez was obviously right too w

A political civil war is rocking the very core of the Democratic Party.On one side are upstart rebels — Jihadi-loving socialists who hate America and want to drag it down to destruction. On the other side are traditional moderate Democrats, Jihadi-loving socialists who hate America and want to drag it down to destruction, but would never say so out loud because they’re afraid Americans wouldn’t vote for them.Two diametrically opposed philosophies that are actually exactly the same. Two groups that completely agree with each other in a bitter battle for supremacy.Who will win? The radicals? Or the radicals who lie about being radicals and pretend to be moderates until they get elected and then are radicals? The future of the Democratic Party hangs in the balance.To find out more, the Daily Wire sent our crack reporter Crackety Crack to speak with Democratic Speaker of the House Hakeem Jeffries, a perilous assignment because Jeffries punctuates every word he says with a meaningless hand gesture and kept c

The European Broadcasting Union has issued new guidelines on how to film women’s sporting events so that the athletes won’t appear sexually appealing.I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: Oh Klavan, you marvelous merchant of mirth, how is it possible your effervescent imagination keeps merrily spewing bubbles of laughter into the air until all of life seems a frothy elixir of hilarity? Who but you could dream up a scenario in which some Europeans have so little to occupy their lives, they actually found time to think of a way to discourage the six or seven people who watch women’s sports from watching women’s sports? Where but in the imagination of a living genius of joy could there blossom a fabrication so absurd that it could actually make the incipient takeover of Europe by radical Muslim rapists and murderers seem like kind of an improvement over the Europe we have now?But no, so help me, I am not making this story up.The European Broadcasting Union — whose members operate nearly 2,0