Andrew Klavan

Well, the longest government shutdown in U.S. history is finally over, and many of you are asking questions like, “Why would Sydney Sweeney make a movie where she plays a fat boxer? What was she thinking?” Also, “Why do women play with their hair when they like a guy?” And here’s another one: “You know how the screen just went dark in the last episode of ‘The Sopranos’? What the hell was that about? I mean, they’re paying the screenwriter good money. Shouldn’t he be able to come up with some kind of ending? And don’t even get me started on ‘How I Met Your Mother.'”And okay, some of you may have questions about the government shutdown and, holy moly, I can’t even imagine what your lives must be like. But hey, here at the Daily Wire, it’s not our place to mock you for being pathetic, so as part of our mission to give you an in-depth understanding of the news, we’re pleased to provide you with this handy Q&A about the government shutdown.Q: Why did the governme

The movie business has just suffered the worst Halloween box office in over 30 years, causing many people who think seriously about Hollywood to laugh uproariously while baring their buttocks in the direction of Los Angeles and singing made-up song lyrics that rhyme with “Pharma is a glitch, you sleazy brother duckers!”The box office tally showed that after releasing around 11 Halloween-themed movies for the October holiday at an overall production cost of about $300 million, industry leaders drew in enough money to buy a jumbo popcorn at the candy counter if the nice old man standing in line behind them gave them an extra nickel out of the goodness of his heart.But while Hollywood zillionaires have been openly dripping scorn on the values, lifestyles, religion, and patriotism of the American public for the last 30 years, that doesn’t mean Americans are celebrating the industry’s hilariously humiliating fall down a bottomless well of hilarious humiliation. Sure, there have been one-or two-or five-hund

The movie business has just suffered the worst Halloween box office in over 30 years, causing many people who think seriously about Hollywood to laugh uproariously while baring their buttocks in the direction of Los Angeles and singing made-up song lyrics that rhyme with “Pharma is a glitch, you sleazy brother duckers!”The box office tally showed that after releasing around 11 Halloween-themed movies for the October holiday at an overall production cost of about $300 million, industry leaders drew in enough money to buy a jumbo popcorn at the candy counter if the nice old man standing in line behind them gave them an extra nickel out of the goodness of his heart.But while Hollywood zillionaires have been openly dripping scorn on the values, lifestyles, religion, and patriotism of the American public for the last 30 years, that doesn’t mean Americans are celebrating the industry’s hilariously humiliating fall down a bottomless well of hilarious humiliation. Sure, there have been one-or two-or five-hund

The New York Mayoral election is a few days away, and all across the city, New Yorkers are already preparing for a victory by Democrat Zohran Mamdani. Some prepare by using their laptops as kickboards and attempting to paddle across Long Island Sound to Connecticut. Others are staging re-enactments of the scene in The Ten Commandments where people gather their belongings and livestock and head into the wilderness for forty years rather than facing the future at home. More philosophical and reflective New Yorkers simply sit in the shadow of the noose they’ve hung from the ceiling heating pipes, weeping quietly into their Pumpkin Spiced Lattes.Meanwhile, Mamdani continues his charisma-fueled campaign, with his face lit by a smile so charming it reminds supporters of Pennywise the Clown just before he entices a child into the sewer by offering him a red balloon.In an appearance before a gathering of the American Federation of Islamist Terrorists Bent on Killing Everybody and Blaming Israel (the AFITBKEBI), Mam

Some people are saying that President Trump’s magnificent handling of the Iranian-Hamas terror war against Israel has revealed him to be a political colossus whose opponents on both the left and right are nothing more than small, petty, fleshly instantiations of total irrelevance, with opinions that are meaningless and small and evanescent in their influence and small and also small. Other people are saying other things. Like, “What’s for dinner, Mommy?” or “Read me a story, Daddy,” or “I’m George Stephanopoulos and this is ABC News.”But even as Trump celebrates getting terrorist hostages released and securing the American border and readjusting the international order so that China, Russia, and a seething hellpit of demonic Jew haters of all stripes don’t take over the world, those who oppose him are vowing to bring him down by unleashing the full force of the tremendous cultural power they used to have until we caught on to them.So for instance, while Trump is being hailed by leaders aro

There is growing pressure on Democrat Virginia Attorney General candidate Jay Jones to step down, after Jones’s 2022 texts were uncovered in which he fantasized about shooting political opponent Todd Gilbert in the head, and wished Gilbert’s toddler children would die in their mother’s arms. Jones has apologized for the texts and says he was obviously joking since nothing spells comedy like dead children. So far, Democrats are standing behind Jones, because it’s obviously much too dangerous to stand in front of him. The Democrats dismiss calls for Jones to quit the race, saying the pressure for his resignation is being manufactured by right-wing news outlets, partisan Republicans, Republicans in name only, Independents, people who vote Democrat because they haven’t realized yet what’s happened to the party, Europeans, Asians, South American cartel members in their rare moments of moral awareness, primitive indigenous peoples who have no clue what the hell is even happening, chimpanzees in zoos wh

America is having a debate about political violence. Is it the fault of conservatives, or is it the fault of the side that wants to kill everyone who disagrees with them? This chin-scratcher of a conundrum has inspired people of good will from all over to come together with Democrats to try to find a solution.For instance, in a recent discussion at Harvard University, left-wing students calmly and quietly presented their side of the issue, while right-wing students responded by screaming in terror as an angry mob chased them with pitchforks and torches. The come-together event was sponsored by the student group Kill All Fascists, with KAF President Vladimir Mohammed Jihad Alinsky telling the assembled rioters, “We must put an end to fascism by any means necessary. And some of you may ask, well, what do you mean when you say by any means necessary? And we must put an end to people who ask that by any means necessary. Because remember: silence is violence, so we must meet violence with violence until there’

With the baby boomers dying off, many people ask me, “What is Gen Z like, and what does it mean for the future?” But with the baby boomers dying off, I don’t have time to answer — and anyway, what’s it to me?However, there is a new poll out on how these Gen Z whippersnappers see things, and the results are very encouraging in the sense they’ll allow me to die happy in the knowledge that the rest of you are screwed.The poll of around 3,000 respondents between the ages of 18 and 29 was specially designed to elicit information from young people by posing its questions in the form of emojis and inarticulate whining noises and then pretending to take the answers seriously. The results had a margin of error of 79%, because the young people had no clue what the hell they were talking about and then changed their minds when they found out what life was really like.The young people were asked such questions as: What do you value most? Is America headed in the right direction? What the hell do you k

President Trump became the first American president to be hosted at a second state visit to Great Britain this week. The President was greeted with a parade of British soldiers wearing dress red uniforms and marching in perfect unison while ragtag American soldiers popped up from behind rocks and trees and shot at them until they surrendered.Trump and his wife Melania were given a lavish state dinner at Windsor Castle. Trump told the other guests that he was astounded by the beauty of the castle, and said it was absolutely amazing what you could do with Legos.The dinner was attended by many British dignitaries including Prime Minister Keir Starmer, who gave a brief toast in which he pledged to continue lowering the British voting age until the electorate was ignorant enough to keep the Labour party in power. Also at the Dinner was Education Minister Mohammed Fatwa Fatwa Mohammed Fatwa, the founder of the Fatwa Pre-School for the Grooming of Naughty but Strangely Alluring Little White Girls. The Education Min

I grew up in an age of assassinations. The President, John F. Kennedy, was gunned down in 1963, when I was nine years old. His brother, Robert Kennedy, was killed five years later, little more than a month after I saw him at a campaign event in my home town. That was the same month Martin Luther King Jr. was murdered. Malcolm X had been killed three years before.Americans often speak proudly of our peaceful transitions of power, but that is because we are only thinking in terms of political power. Yes, compared to the violence that often accompanied the change of rulers in imperial Rome or medieval England, our transfers of leadership are relatively tranquil. Our system of free elections circumvents the need for violent revolution.But in a democratic republic, political power is bestowed by the people, and the ideas of the people are shaped by the culture. When cultural power changes hands in the U.S., that’s when the shooting starts. The Civil War did not begin because Abraham Lincoln threatened to free th