Ian MacIntyre

OTTAWA - As a summer season of wildfires rages across the nation, the Federal Government has updated the Canadian flag to more accurately depict the maple leaf burning in an uncontrolled wildfire.

TORONTO - Following the news that Bell Canada Enterprises Inc. is cutting over 4800 jobs, as well as shuttering many local newscasts and radio stations, Bell has assured Canadians the move was intended to create more candidates for Bell Let's Talk Day.

GAZA - In the wake of an intractable decades-long conflict that has left thousands of civilians dead in both Israel and the Gaza Strip, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netenyahu and the leadership of Hamas exchanged Valentines to thank each other for military efforts that ensured long-term job security for both parties.

NEW YORK - After a civil fraud ruling that will force Donald Trump to pay $355 million dollars, the former president is hoping to raise the cash by offering Republican voters a chance to donate that exact amount in exchange for one night of no-holds-barred passion with his son, Eric Trump.

HOLLYWOOD - Superhero movie insiders report the upcoming film Deadpool & Wolverine will at long last introduce the long-rumoured nation of Canada to the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

MANHATTAN, NY - With Donald Trump becoming the first president in United States history to be found guilty of criminal charges, observers note that this felony conviction is also the first instance of Trump earning anything in his entire life.

CALGARY - In the wake of a catastrophic water main break that has led city officials to urge the public to limit water use, Calgarians have banded together to defy the request by constructing a city-spanning 24-hour water-consuming Slip 'N Slide.

OTTAWA - As a global tech outage disrupts operations in multiple industries, including airlines, banks, and health care, citizens across Canada have reported assuming that the poor service was merely business as usual.

OTTAWA - The Trudeau Liberals have announced relaxing of several mortgage rules, all with the intent of allowing more Canadians to barely afford the crappiest, tiniest investment condos that have ever existed.

FREDERICTON - Today officials with the New Brunswick Government notified the parents of Blaine Higgs, which they are required to do according to Policy 713, to inform them that Higgs name is being officially changed to “ex-premier Blaine Higgs”.