Alexander Saxton

TORONTO – Workers on the Spadina subway extension who discovered an enormous subterranean chamber of skulls this morning say that they’re just going to seal it back up and move on with their lives. “Nope,” said Saeed Rafiq, construction worker with the Toronto Transit Commission. “Can’t deal with this today. Or any day. But definitely […]

OTTAWA – A recent analysis of transcripts has revealed that stenographer Maggie Peck has actually been working on a work of fiction about the sensual life of a courtroom stenographer. “I started writing this piece during really boring cases,” Peck said. “Stuff that would never be read, like parking infractions or depositions for white cops […]

NIAGARA FALLS, ON – With his dorsal fin deformed into a zany semicircle by the repetitive stress of swimming in small circles, Marineland’s new star Orca, Kitsak, has already brought joy into the lives of thousands of children. “Ah, look at his fin,” said 8-year old Dylan Walter, sobbing with what park executives say was […]

TORONTO – In a show of machismo earlier this morning, local man Kyle Dresden removed his shirt while working out so that he could unfold the third arm from behind his back and show off its impressive musculature. “Ugh, I hate when guys do this,” said Lisa Kelly, a regular at the gym. “Like, we […]

“Thank God you found us,” said Phinneas Burrow, one of the survivors. “We did not resort to cannibalism. Also, human meat definitely does not turn you into an immortal ghoul.”

FORT CHIPEWYAN, AB - An almost unthinkably deformed moose found outside of Fort Chipewyan has ‘nothing to do’ with the oil sands, industry experts say.

You remember that adorable nerd, Stephane Dion? A few years ago, he came up with a better electoral reform system than anybody else ever has.

TORONTO - One of the many residents of Toronto’s underground system of pedestrian walkways, ‘the PATH’, is willing to guide topsiders through the tunnels to the Eaton Centre, in return for a small consideration, of course.

NEW YORK - Proving his dedication to the craft of acting, Daniel Day-Lewis is still roaming the streets of New York city with a cleaver, even though principal photography on Gangs of New York wrapped more than a decade and a half ago.

NIAGARA FALLS, ON - Disaster struck at one of Canada’s leading wildlife parks today, as yet another trainer was killed by the park’s star human being, Dave.