Alexander Saxton

NIAGARA FALLS, ON - Disaster struck at one of Canada’s leading wildlife parks today, as yet another trainer was killed by the park’s star human being, Dave.

Ford’s campaign team has insisted that their refusal to discuss details is part of a focus on ‘the big picture’: a picture they have also refused to describe.

NEW YORK - Proving his dedication to the craft of acting, Daniel Day-Lewis is still roaming the streets of New York city with a cleaver, even though principal photography on Gangs of New York wrapped more than a decade and a half ago.

TORONTO - Only halfway up its 1,776 steps, one participant in the CN tower charity climb is already passing the frozen bodies of those who didn’t make it last year.

TORONTO - One of the many residents of Toronto’s underground system of pedestrian walkways, ‘the PATH’, is willing to guide topsiders through the tunnels to the Eaton Centre, in return for a small consideration, of course.

ORLANDO, FL - After thirty-three years in prison, a daring escape, and a high-speed chase, SeaWorld’s prize orca, Tilikum, has committed suicide-by-cop, rather than return to his maximum security tank.

You remember that adorable nerd, Stephane Dion? A few years ago, he came up with a better electoral reform system than anybody else ever has.

FORT CHIPEWYAN, AB - An almost unthinkably deformed moose found outside of Fort Chipewyan has ‘nothing to do’ with the oil sands, industry experts say.

OTTAWA - Insisting once again that Canadian forces in northern Iraq are only there to ‘advise and assist’, the government announced today they would be sending over another 100,000 of them.

“Thank God you found us,” said Phinneas Burrow, one of the survivors. “We did not resort to cannibalism. Also, human meat definitely does not turn you into an immortal ghoul.”